Call me Ishmael
My hunt for the great white whale of swimwear
Or maybe I’m Ahab? Who is Moby Dick? Is it the whale or a person, or the ship? Is it like Frankenstein, wherein the monster is not named Frankenstein but is instead Frankenstein’s monster? The thing is, all my English degree gave me was a surface-level insufferability without true insight into texts. Because guess what, I have never actually read Moby Dick.
But I have read a bunch of swimwear descriptions in my hunt for the great white whale that is the perfect swimsuit.
This has been a months-long journey through the World Wide Web. After all my googling, my Instagram ads are now exclusively images of swimwear of all different varieties on all different varieties of bodies. No body that looks quite like mine, though. Which is part of why it took me so long to pull the trigger. Because I just didn’t know what type of shape would look best on a card-carrying member of the IBTC with a rectangular body and a bubble butt.
All I wanted was a swimsuit that was decently flattering and would provide enough coverage to not give everyone at the pool a show featuring my derriere or give me a wedgie. A suit that met these two, in my opinion, very reasonable requirements, was harder to find than it should have been.
And I had a few false starts with a couple of Amazon swimsuits that looked great online, but upon arrival, looked like they would best work on someone’s great-grandmother.
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So I finally decided to be a little less prudish in my requirements and broaden my search to include some skin. Which is when I found the Mykonos from Andie.
I had scrolled past it before, thinking it was way too revealing in the front for me. But then I remembered that I don’t have much in the front to reveal. And indeed, when the suit arrived and I tried it on, it looked modest enough to wear to a Relief Society function. It even had full coverage of my bum.
I spent the last few days wearing it to the pool on vacation with my kids, and there was nary a wedgie to be felt nor a show to be seen. I was the most comfortable I’ve been throwing off my shorts and hopping in the water in years.
But why capture one great white whale when you can capture two? Remember, I have not read the book.
Brimming with the confidence that can only come from finding the perfect swimsuit, I set out to find another. Well, half of another. I bought a red Vuori two-piece a couple of years ago, but the bottoms never fit me quite right.
They were very cheeky and also a weird rise that wasn’t high and wasn’t low, but was a very unflattering mix between the two. So I was THRILLED to learn that Vuori now sells swim shorts in the exact same color. They’re high-rise and flattering, and look great with the above top, and I would share a photo of me in them, but I fear I need a spray tan before I feel brave enough to do that. So here they are on someone without quite as much Irish blood:
And so, just like Captain Ahab’s search for his whale, my search for swimwear has ended happily. Right? RIGHT? Maybe I should read the book.
Do you have a swimsuit brand we need to hear about? We’d love your thoughts and a link.
Other recent purchases
Bras. Specifically, this Skims bra in nude and black. I hate to hand it to Kim K, but she really has done it again. Her bras are out of this world good. I like to think that all of her reality TV shenanigans and her marriage to Kanye have led to her creating the perfect bra for the female form, and I do think it was worth it. Before you order, though, know that the bras run small, so go up both a band and a cup size.
OxiClean stain remover. As a chronic spiller, I’ve tried all the stain removers in the land. And I’ve found OxiClean to be the most effective at removing stubborn and set-in stains.
A magnetic chore chart. LOL. I’m such a cliche. But one week into summer, I’m ready to adopt the Captain Von Trapp model of parenting, and a chore chart feels like a step in that direction, organizationally. Plus, I like the way this one looks.